The First Time
by Alie365
Summary: RLNT. The beginning of Lupin and Tonks' relationship. Lupin pov, but NOT 1st person. A prequel of sorts to 'Desire'. Be warned. This is not the fluffy bunnies version of their beginning that most fics seem to be. It's pretty dark.


Apparently, now my muse has decide that it likes Harry Potter fics about Lupin and Tonks, it will not leave me alone, and insists on pestering me with story ideas. So here is the story of how our favourite **adult **pairing began. Be warned, this is not one of the light and fluffy tales of first love/redeeming love that most people seem to be telling about these two. Not yet anyway ;). I will hopefully put up a Tonks p.o.v. in due course.

The first time, well, that had been all her. She snuck into his room, and began to kiss him before he was fully awake. With Tonks sitting on top of him, kissing him like… that, he was soon paying attention.

"Tonks, what…?"

"Shh." She kissed him again; and he let her. In truth, it had taken him hours to get to sleep that night. Earlier, Dumbledore had come to talk to him about an assignment for the Order. He had asked him to go to the werewolves, to try and persuade some of them to work against Voldemort, before Voldemort could persuade them to work with him. Dumbledore was quick to add that this would not be for a couple of months. Remus would have time to prepare himself, to get used to the idea of it. The idea of being around the man who had bitten him; who had cursed him to this life, and would place that curse on even more children before his life was over. To spend time with him, and not kill him. He had dwelt on it for the rest of the day, moping around Grimmauld Place with a longer face than Sirius. And that was saying something. But then Tonks came over that evening. And they had talked; and somehow, without him even knowing how, she had gotten him to laugh.

So when she came into his room that night, and seduced him, he let her. She was a friend, and it felt natural. Somehow, it felt right. She had awoken him from dreams filled with prowling, snarling wolves, interspersed with the crying of a child. His crying. But when they fell asleep together, his arm curled around her, and the light tickling of her breath on his chest, he did not dream. With her, he was safe.

But the next morning, when he woke up, he felt awful. He got out of bed almost immediately, praying she wouldn't wake up. But she did.

"Morning." She smiled up at him. And as he looked at her, lying on the bed, with the sunlight shining through the window and somehow hitting her just right, he knew this could not happen again. Seeing her like that, he was forcibly hit with her true nature. Not the dark seductress of the night before, but beautiful, innocent Tonks, who was clumsy and sweet, and who made him laugh. And he knew then, that he would have to hurt her now, in order to protect her from far worse hurt later.

"Tonks…" She sat up, the expression on her face changing rapidly. The blanket slid down her body, but she made no effort to pull it up, and he turned away to avoid seeing anything he felt he shouldn't. But he knew, even as he told himself the lie, the real reason he was turning was to avoid seeing the hurt in her eyes. "We can't do this again. It was wrong, and it shouldn't have happened. I shouldn't have let you…"

She got up, slowly, out of the bed. Remus turned in time to see the full length of her, and hastily turned back again. There was a quiet crack, like the sound of a twig snapping, and when he turned, she was gone. He was impressed at how little sound she made when she Disapparated. He was much older than her before he had the hang of doing it quietly. He winced inwardly. **Much older than her. **He knew he was focusing on her spellwork to avoid thinking about **her**, and the trick his own mind had tried to play on him had not worked.

Later, he went down for breakfast. He was expecting a frosty reception at best, if she did not shut him out completely. But there she was, joking around with Sirius, laughing in that way that seemed to invite everyone there to join in, and looking as if she hadn't a care in the world. He sat down. She didn't quite meet his eyes.

"Morning Moony." Sirius said, with a grin, and for a horrible moment the thought crossed his mind that the laughter just minutes before had actually been about him. But Sirius had gone back to his egg on toast without even waiting for a reply, and he breathed a tiny sigh of relief.

"Wotcher, Remus." He risked looking up, and their eyes locked. For a moment, he was convinced he saw a shadow pass across her face. But only for a moment, and then she smiled at him. And it was just like it had been before.

And so they carried on. They did their work for the Order, and whenever they ran into each other, at the Weasley's, or at Grimmauld Place, they were chatty and relaxed, as if nothing had changed. But Remus could not help but think back to that night. Without her beside him, he was plagued with nightmares. And it wasn't just that; he quickly came to the realisation that it wasn't just the nightmares that she had banished. He had never spoken of it, not even to other werewolves he had happened to meet, but he was always aware that it was there. Within him, dwelt the wolf. Even when it wasn't near a full moon, the beast was always inside him, separate from his own nature, and yet inexplicably part of it. This part of him gave him restless sleep, even when he was not subjected to his usual nightmares. But with Tonks, that part of him seemed to be gone. With her beside him, he slept peacefully, and now he had known that peace he almost couldn't stand to be without it.

And one night, when they were both at Grimmauld place, he decided that he would not be without it. Prowling out of bed, he snuck of to her room, and slipped inside. He was on her almost before she knew what was happening. The sex was different this time. When Tonks had taken the lead it was gentle, and almost playful. She needed him for herself, but she also needed him to feel that need. When he was in charge, it was harsher. His need for her now was almost a hunger. And almost without realising what he was doing, he let the beast take over. He had frightened her, he knew that when he looked down at her face, but there was desire there too. To become and Auror, you had to have a certain love of danger, and Tonks enjoyed the thrill of his more vicious side, even as he did in spite of himself. And afterwards they slept together, and the beast within him was sated.

He left in the morning before she woke up, and this time at breakfast, when they went through their morning dance, their pretence that everything was the same, they were both surer of the steps. Again, it was as if the night before had never happened. And the guilt within him swelled whenever he looked at her, because this time he knew what he had done. He had used her to quell the monster within himself, and he hated himself for it even as his feelings for her grew.

Their nightly meetings became an almost regular occurrence, whenever they both stayed at Grimmauld Place. Their overnight visits there were becoming more frequent, and Sirius was glad of this, without ever suspecting the real reason of why it was so. Lupin was always the instigator, and he always left in the morning before she awoke. He knew what he was doing was wrong, even as he was unable to stop himself doing it, and he knew, even though she was taking great pains not to show him, that he was hurting her. But he had tasted something sweet, and he could not seem to stop himself from going back for more. At the same time, he knew it couldn't go on. He knew that, at some point, she would want to talk about it, and then he would have to end it. He could not allow her to get close to him. He could not allow himself to destroy her youth, as he knew that he would. She deserved so much more than he could ever give her. And so he planned to end it. He thought through what he would say, how he would break it to her. But he didn't have the courage to bring it up. When they were chatting away as friends, he didn't want to do anything to spoil it. And when they were alone, in the dark, no words passed between them, although once or twice she had tried to talk. He kissed her harshly those times, drowning her words before they could reach her lips.

After the death of Sirius, their nights together became more frequent. Only now no one was sure whether or not Grimmauld Place belonged to Harry, and so Lupin found himself making his way to her flat. What they did now not only quieted the beast inside, but also allowed Lupin to forget the gnawing ache within him where his best friend had once been. It had been bad enough the first time he had lost Sirius, thinking him a murderer. Now, to have him taken so cruelly so soon after he was found again, filled him with a pain he could hardly bear. So he used Tonks to forget that pain, and he hated himself for doing it, even more than he had before. And at night, before he fell asleep with her in his arms, he planned how he would tell her that it was over, that they could no longer do this, and that he would hurt her. But each morning, like a coward, he Disapparated without a word. Until the night Dumbledore set out to get Harry. The night when it was not him but Tonks, who began the talking.

Please review if you liked it. Or if you didn't, that's fine too (as long as you tell me why. Flames are pointless, really). The Disapparation bit is linked to my observation that, in the books, while some witches and wizards do it with a loud 'CRACK', others (such as Dumbledore, during his duel with Voldemort at the end of 'the Order of the Phoenix') seem to do it silently. I came to the conclusion that Disapparating/Apparating becomes quieter with practice (or depending on how talented a witch/wizard you are), as announcing your arrival with a loud noise is not always the most convenient thing to do. Especially if you're an Auror.


End file.
